well after much effort and a lot of frustration... i've done it. a blog that i can actually access. i'm happy now.
anyway, a friend of mine just asked me if he was an asshole. i answered no. i said he is actually a really nice guy with a lot of issues. he does not disagree.
this has led me to question who and what i am as a person. am i nice? am i sweet? am i lovable?
now, i've asked myself and others (meaning my closest friends) the third question a couple of times before. i had answered no. they insisted yes. in reply, i said if so, then why does nobody love me? rather depressing... but true.
i think i'm one of those unlovable people. i mean, i'm great at the start. charming, funny and sweet. you'll enjoy my company for about the first hour and then you'll tire of me. that's my greatest fear - all those that i care about will tire of me and my flaws and my insecurities.
at first i might come off as some super secure and ultra confident person. but you'll see just how scared i am of you hating me. and that will turn you off.
a rather harsh critique about myself. but i think true. honestly, i'm not a very nice person. when i get mad, i become honest - so as you can see, i'm pretty mad at myself. i'm angry at myself for all the stupid things i've done in the past. i wish i never did those things. i'll probably hate myself for writing this - for showing to those who might be curious enough to see, my soul. haha.
it sucks to be self-aware.
(do forgive me for this disorganize piece of crap. i just feel like getting it out there in the open...even though i know i'll regret it in a few hours.)