Saturday, April 28, 2007

post# 8 - 20 random things (in english!) PART I

i had to write twenty random thoughts for filipino class... and since it was filipino class, i had to wirte in tagalog. so here it is... twenty random things in english:

1. i find it stupid that the eliazo smocket has sign telling its users to deposit their cig butts and miscellaneous in the trash bins. but there are no trash bins... unless you count the bin severa lfeet away (meaning its pretty far). does the dorm management actually expect its smockers to get off their asses to throw whatever away, when they are in the bloody smocket to chill and talk on and on for hours???

2. why is it that everyone (or at least, the people i know) all cheer on for lucas and peyton to get together? what is so wrong with brooke??? i mean, she's nicer, clearly loves lucas more (at least during the first time around), does really nice things for lucas... and well she has way less baggage and is totally cooler and more well-rounded. why can't the nice, normal (albeit, a bit slutty) girl get the guy? why do the emo, issue-laden and unconventional girls always have to get the guy? it's these kind of stories that alienate a lot of girls. it makes them feel inadequate and stresses the point that they have to make themselves stand out by means of some overly dramatic characteristic. it just peeves me off...

3. the notion of being completed by your true love or finding the other half of your soul is completely nonsensical. it is all romantic-sounding... but entails so much. i mean, to go into a relationship expecting to be filled and made better is a burden on the part of your partner. it's unfair and totally selfish to expect your 'other half' to have to make you feel better and what not. love is something one has to go into complete and whole. we are in the relationship because we want further growth and not some emotional crutch. we are in it to help and support each other... to expect more than what you're willingly to give is well being a bitch.

4. why is it i always find myself falling for an asshole???? why can't i just like some nice boy who won't hurt me.

5. why is it i find my YM stat is usually dictated by either one of two persons - a cold-blooded fish or a genuinely mean person??? i'm so twisted for liking these two pricks.

well, these are the first five. i don't like posting super long entries. besides, i have better things (but not much) to do other tahn this...


Thursday, April 19, 2007

post# 7 - self-fashioned and projected

when are we ever who we really are???

i mean, i constantly find myself being very different persons depending on who i'm with. i'm pretty sure you've noticed it about yourself.

this observation has brought we to wonder who i am really... who is ME?

i have defined myself in the following ways:
1. i am a mother-figure.
2. i am a student.
3. i am a daughter.
4. i am an actress.
5. i am a sister.
6. i am an eliazoan.
7. i am everybody's friend.

but can any of these encompass my whole person - me?

it disturbs me to think that no one really knows me. i mean... people see only a portion of my self. but even i can't see me. i have defined myself in such terms but those things are the only parts i see of myself but are not me.

the task of truly knowing one's self is daunting. introspection is a scary thing. what if the self you have fashioned yourself to be and the self you have projected to those you love is nothing near of who you are. what if you are so different from what you've imagined yourself to be and what you've shown others.... that you start to hate yourself and others hate you as well...

i want to know who i am... but i am terrified of finding out the truth of my being...

gawd... i will just continue on living in my fashioned and projected self.

kevin i miss you now... you were the only one who saw me at my worst and best. you hadn't been afraid. you had said you loved me. how i wish things had never changed. but i hate you now.

cheers to self-fashioning and projecting!!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

post# 6 - let us set the standards

i had never felt so old until yesterday when i met the latest batch of ajss-ers.

i had spotted a couple of them earlier that night in the caf, they stood out in their "high school uniforms" (meaning: jeans, a t-shirt and rubber shoes). i can only imagine how i had seemed to the upperclassmen when i was an ajss-er myself. my gawd.... that had been nearly two years ago.

i feel so fucking old.

seeing these high school girls in the same place i had been before made me think about the choices i had made in the past years.

i am seriously the most underachieving ajss-er of my batch. i mean, i am undoubtedly the only one in the school of social sciences. everyone else is in SOM or SOSE. they're all planning to be managers, engineers, doctors and whatever other high-paying professional jobs are out there. and here i am... in a course that doesn't show much promise unless i stand out.

and well, standing out is so hard in an university that boasts itself to be the gathering grounds for the best of the very best. and who am i in this hodgepodge of excellence? i am insignificant.

and speaking of insignificance....

is the forward and bold woman truly unrepresented in our society? is being outspoken and confident so uncommon in the women of today? (how cohesive...haha)

you see in my sociology class today, my professor posed this question: "ladies, if you felt strongly enough for a boy and are on the verge of self-combustion due to the continuous suppression your feelings... would you tell him? make the first move?"

i was the ONLY girl in my class to reply in the affirmative. my professot told me i was a minority... so minor that my opinion and preferences would not even register in the larger statistical sample. these words truly disturbed me.

i mean, are woman truly afraid of being bold? of expressing their true feelings? and all becuase of some out-dated (or so i thought) stereotype of women being the meeker and gentler sex.

where has the feminist movement gone? women empowerment, my ass!

women say we're just as strong, just as smart, just as capable - we boast of our equality to men. and yet, we repress what should have been something beautiful and natural because our society dictates that women should wait patiently for the man to court them....

this just seems so stupid to me.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

post #5 - let us mourn in our sophomore year

well, i'm back in school... so i'm not that bored anymore. but i don't think i've ever been so sad either.
so many of my friends are gone. others have graduated, some have left of their own accord and others have been kicked out without a second chance.
it's times like this that remind me of how fickle life is. and how so much can change in the span of a few weeks. worlds have been upheaved and yet, here i am... i think mostly unchanged.
i wish for change. for some sort of renewal or revitalization... but at the same time i'm scared. i enjoy my life as it is. i am comfortable in it.
i'm not making much sense. i'm still spinning and completely disorientated with what has happened in these few weeks.

Monday, April 09, 2007

post #4 - the beauty of fiction

we all desire things that we do not have. we like to dream of having more than what we have. we come up with ways to imitate the experiences that escape our grasps. in our frustration to achieve what we do not have, we grope about and attempt to create facsimiles that might somehow fill the voids within all of us.

in our desperation to fulfill our desires, we have invented art and all of derivations, such as fiction.

fiction has given man an avenue to express what cannot be for him. fiction is essentially the manisfestations of our unattainable visions and aspirations. it is the easiest way we can live our dreams. this is our attempt at living what is truly beyond us.

but let us not be dismayed by such a thought. becuase not only does fiction allow us to live what we cannot reach, it also allows us to somehow concretize what we have trouble grasping. ummm.... it's like fiction exists so that we may always be aware of we do not have so that we won't stop trying to attain it - even if it might not ever come to pass. it's just comforting to be able to know there is something to reach for.

these semblances of our dreams give us hope for something better and brighter. it reminds us that there is so much in life; hence, we should not stop... should not settle for what we already have.

haha... another, weird entry...

i think this is the purpose of this blog - for me vent out all these weird ideas in my head in the hopes that someone might read it and understand what i'm talking about...

oh! the point i've been trying to put across is this - fiction or art in general is both a beacon of hope for us and the biggest let down becuase it reminds us of the possibilities that have escaped us.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

post #3 - three's a charm and introspection

well after much effort and a lot of frustration... i've done it. a blog that i can actually access. i'm happy now.

anyway, a friend of mine just asked me if he was an asshole. i answered no. i said he is actually a really nice guy with a lot of issues. he does not disagree.

this has led me to question who and what i am as a person. am i nice? am i sweet? am i lovable?

now, i've asked myself and others (meaning my closest friends) the third question a couple of times before. i had answered no. they insisted yes. in reply, i said if so, then why does nobody love me? rather depressing... but true.

i think i'm one of those unlovable people. i mean, i'm great at the start. charming, funny and sweet. you'll enjoy my company for about the first hour and then you'll tire of me. that's my greatest fear - all those that i care about will tire of me and my flaws and my insecurities.

at first i might come off as some super secure and ultra confident person. but you'll see just how scared i am of you hating me. and that will turn you off.

a rather harsh critique about myself. but i think true. honestly, i'm not a very nice person. when i get mad, i become honest - so as you can see, i'm pretty mad at myself. i'm angry at myself for all the stupid things i've done in the past. i wish i never did those things. i'll probably hate myself for writing this - for showing to those who might be curious enough to see, my soul. haha.

it sucks to be self-aware.

(do forgive me for this disorganize piece of crap. i just feel like getting it out there in the open...even though i know i'll regret it in a few hours.)

post #2 - take two, human memory

well, my first blog didn't turn out so well. and neither did my second try. i just kept on forgetting my sodding password. what a pain!

so here i am, again. with a new blog. i just hope i won't lose access to this as well....

well, a ym conversation with a good friend of mine made me think of a nice topic earlier; but that idea has totally left me because of the stress of forgetting my password. and the fact that i forgot my own password is something really stupid. i was just totally balnk. i couldn't think of any one particualr string of letters that could possibly be my password. i mean, i thought i used my usual password. i could have sworn in used that particular password - but for some reason i apparently typed something else...something totally alien to my fingers (which would type out my usual password automatically).

anyway, back to the subject of my forgotten idea from the ym conversation... it really bothers me how i can't remember what we talked about only a few hours ago. i mean, i remember this feeling of awe, of sudden inspiration. i remember thinking i would write something witty and entertaining about this. i remember feeling excitement and gratitude... but i just can't remember what caused this elation.

it's funny actually when u think about it. i mean, i remember almost everything that preceeded and followed this "remembered" ephiphany - but the idea itself. i'm pretty suree this has happened once or twice to you already. it's pretty frustrating to be able to recall everything but remain unable ti grasp the true gist of the experience. for example, i can vividly recall the strong musky scent of my granddad, the feel of his wrinkly hands in my own and the raspy voice that gave off such a clear laugh. i remember these details about him... and nothing else.

does this inability to take hold of the essence of the memory for incidents like this, reflect how we (as inviduals) remember? do we forget the really important why's, how's and what's - the stuff that made you remember the event in the first place; but remember the little things...

or perhaps, it is our perception that is askew. perhaps, what we perceive to be the substance of a memory is not really what is essential. perhaps it is the minute details (that make these memories our own...something special to us) that really matter.

post #1 - ruminations on friendships

why is it that some friends manage to stay friends for years and years without having to see each other... while others just drift apart after a short time away from each other?

i know that not all friendships were built to last. but how can we work on keeping the connections that we want? can't we choose which friends we get to keep?

i find that friends are very random. i mean, we don't really know for sure which people become our friends, our enemies and whatever subgroups exist between them. someone once told me that friendship is an effort... well, i disagree. a friendship can be measured by the inverse relationship between effort and closeness of so-called friends. the less effort exerted the better. i mean, i think the best friendships are those that require the least effort and problem-solving because friends just get each other. there is no need to hav to work out non-existent issues.

gawd... what a way to start a blog...

this is such a dull entry. i can't help it though. i mean, i have known this one girl since i was three years old. we've been friends ever since. we don't spend much time together but for some reason when we do hang out we just fit efortlessly. unlike this other friend of mine who i have just known for a little over a year - we constantly have to work our schedules and stuff... its impossible to really enjoy what time we spend together because we are so pinched for time...

gawd.. i'm divulging rather personal stuff already. hahaha